Dungeons
Dungeons & Dragnet is the fifth episode of season one of Paradise PD. Synopsis The church is convinced that the board game, Dungeons and Dragons in Satanic, and won't give Paradise PD any reward money, until they cleanse the streets of that game. Meanwhile, Bullet dates a Christian girl, only to find out she's abstinent. Plot Randall, Kevin, and Bullet go to the Paradise Pentecostal Church, despite all of them either not following or not knowing about the religion. Bullet is an Atheist and Kevin is raised by Randall, who knows so little about the religion that he often confused Jesus with Satan. Agnes opens the sermon, by singing "Jesus is the Greatest Lord of All", followed by Preacher Paul telling everybody that they're going to be awarding Paradise P.D. with tons of money for their services, revealing to Kevin why his father is really making them go to church. However, Preacher Paul says they won't be awarding them the money right away. First, they need Paradise P.D. to rid the city of the game, Dungeons & Dragons, which is allegedly a Satanic board game that turned his son gay, revealing that this "award" is actually more of a bribe to make the police department go along with Preacher Paul's ridiculous request as Paul knows that they wouldn't do something so stupid on their own terms. At this time, Bullet notices a beautiful girl named Chastity, who's also attending the church. Bullet hits on her and learns that Chastity is the daughter of Preacher Paul. Bullet assumes that this means that she's only there because she has to be there and not because she actually believes in it. Chastity denies this and Bullet quickly covers up his bigoted comment, by saying that he was testing her to see if she was really a faithful follower of God. She stupidly believes this lie and goes out with him. Randall tells the rest of Paradise P.D. that if they want to get money, then they have to bust everyone in town, who plays Dungeons & Dragons. Fitz thinks it's more important to solve the murder mysteries in town than it is to put an end to some stupid children's game, but Randall says that the money is most important now because they currently can't afford to feed their inmates. He also tells Dusty that one of the prisoners needs to be let go in order to save money, so it's up to him to make the decision. Randall pairs up teams, but when he pairs Fitz up with Kevin, Fitz complains and says that Randall should be paired up with Kevin, as Kevin is seeking quality time with his father, prevalent by the fact that he's fucking a watermelon. Randall hesitantly changes his mind and puts Gina with Fitz and himself with Kevin. Hopson complains that he isn't getting to do anything, but Randall reminds him that he's too incompetent to do this job and points out that he's using a banana as a gun. After having an awkward conversation about puberty in the car, Randall and Kevin, receive word of a Dungeons and Dragons came in process and they go down to Die Alone Comics and meet up with Fitz and Gina to solve the case. The D&D Clan has unfortunately already left before they could get there. The only person there is the owner of the comic shop, but he's not giving any information. Gina tries to force him to talk, by attacking him with her Nerd Knocker, but he only derives sexual pleasure from this and cums in his pants. Fitz has his own ways of making him talk and threatens to destroy his very rare mint-condition issue of Mediocre Comics unless he talks. The owner talks and tells them that the leader of the D&D clan calls himself "Merkin the Mage" and that they're most likely in a treehouse across town right now. When they get to the treehouse, the D&D clan had just fled the scene once again. Randall is again pissed off that they didn't find anything. They look around the treehouse for clues and Gina notices that there's no cheese on the pizza, implying that the D&D clansmen are lactose intolerant. Dusty goes to the holding cell to decide which prisoner he wants to set free and the only fair way to make his decision is to play a game called "Felony Feud", where he asks the prisoners what they'll do when they escape. Tuco says he's gunna stab Dusty's neck. Hopson watches them, saying that he hates their little show. Bullet tries to make a move on Chastity at her apartment but Chastity refuses because she thinks it would be sinful to have sex with him. Bullet takes The Bible and sneaks out, pretending he's taking a shit, by playing the Poop on a Loop app. While he's out, he goes to 24 Hour Copy to edit The Bible and make it say that handjobs are okay. He gives the edited version of The Bible to Chastity and this tricks her into thinking it's true. Randall, Gina, and Fitz go to Possum Pizza, where Randall mopes about the fact that he couldn't find the criminals behind the D&D game. Fitz reminds Randall about the 10 murders that have taken place, while they were wasting their time on the D&D case. While he's saying that, an 11th murder happens. Fitz urgers Randall to direct his attention toward something more important, but Randall says that he's too sad to give a shit. Just then, Ted tells his pizza delivery guy to deliver a cheese-free pizza to some weird LARPers. Randall knows that this will lead him directly to the D&D players and he gets his head right back into the game again. Merkin the Mage plays Dungeons & Dragons with Eric, Quohand, and a third nerdy loser when the cops break in to attack them. Randall stops Merkin the Mage from escaping and unmasks him to find out that he's really Kevin, much to his surprise. Fitz also catches the Stranger Things Kids on the scene of the crime too. Randall punishes Kevin for what he did and he bans him from playing the game. He also says that he's not gunna let anyone know that he was they payer of the D&D game because he doesn't want Preacher Paul to know, otherwise he won't get the money from him. Kevin says that playing Dungeons & Dragons is the only thing that made him feel happy since Randall and Karen split up and that he's also been reading about a legendary D&D player named Waldock Whitestaff and how he's so famous for his signature move, The Reverse Rogue Roll, which is a dice-rolling technique, which gets him to roll a 20 on the multi-sided dice, 99% of the time. Randall tries to get Kevin's mind of D&D by spending some father-son time with him but all they do is watch pornography of Randall fucking Karen, which makes things very awkward. Chastity gives Bullet a handjob and Bullet asks her to finish him off with a blowjob. Chastity refuses because Pat Robertson from The 700 Club said that blowjobs are sinful. Annoyed, Bullet goes to "take another shit", which means that he really just plays Poop on a Loop, while he goes to 24 Hour Video Editing to edit an episode of The 700 Club to make it look like Pat Robertson says that blowjobs are good. Bullet goes back to the apartment and shows Chastity the clearly edited video and Chastity falls for it. Kevin goes to Eric's house to see Eric, but Eric's Mom says that Eric was taken to a church trip. A raven comes to Kevin with a note, written by Eric. Eric says that he's trapped in church camp so Kevin goes to save him. Dusty plays Prisoner Price is Right with the prisoners and asks the contestants how much money he thinks a cup of noodles costs. Marvin bets two cigarettes and Tuco bets three cigarettes and a rim job. At the Paradise Pentecostal Church, Preacher Paul thanks Randall for getting all the D&D players sent to church camp. However, he still says that if he wants to get the money, he needs to turn in Merkin the Mage. Randall presents Hopson, dressed in drag and says that he's Merkin the Mage. Preacher Paul thinks that's really him and he gives Randall the money. Just then, Kevin comes in and presents himself as Merkin the Mage, to do the right thing. Sadly, this ruins Randall's deal with Preacher Paul. Preacher Paul sends Kevin off to church camp and Fitz points out how the name "Merkin the Mage" sounds ridiculous because a "merkin" is actually a pussy wig. Hopson then yanks a big gray pussy wig off of his penis. At Paradise Pentecostal D&D Re-Education Center, the D&D players are all being re-educated. The camp counselor shows them a sideshow to help them tell the difference between fact and fantasy. He compares Goliath the Giant to a very similar looking giant from Dungeons and Dragons. He says that fire breathing dragons are fantasy but seven-headed fire breathing dragons are real. He compares The Witch of Endor to The Hag of Neverwinter and Kevin gets the mixed up, angering the counselor and making him shock all the kids with thousands of volts of electricity as punishment. After the event, they're sent back to the cabin and Kevin tells the other kids to look around for supplies so they can escape. However, Quohand doesn't get to do anything cuz he's autistic. Dusty does a third show called Shank Tank, where prisoners invent products. Marvin invents a blanket that he throws over inmates so that they can't get loose and it has a hole in it so he can fuck them. Dusty invests one slice of moldy bologna in it and Hopson wants to get raped in it. Kevin and the D&D players sneak out behind the counselor's cabin so they can break-in. Kevin stuffs Quohand's face full of cheese and throws him inside. Quohand is lactose intolerant, so he goes off like a shit bomb and kills the counselor. Kevin and the D&D players steal all of their D&D stuff back. Preacher Paul and the other members of Paradise Pentecostal Church get ready to burn down all of the Dungeons and Dragons things before Kevin and the other D&D players come in and attack the churchgoers. They beat everyone up and tie them up to the chairs and force them to watch them play a game. Kevin hopes that this will prove to them that Dungeons & Dragons is not Satanic. At the apartment, Chastity gives Bullet a handjob, but Bullet wants to have sex with her. Chastity refuses because of her belief that premarital sex is a sin. She says that the only way to get her to change her mind is to have Jesus Christ himself tell her otherwise. Bullet quickly goes to "take a shit", when he's really going to 24 Hour Casting Agency to hire some dumb teenager to pretend to be Jesus. However, not only does the Jesus guy tell Chastity that premarital sex is okay, but he also falls in love with her, himself and hits on her. Chastity falls in love with him and dumps Bullet to go have sex in a church with him, pissing Bullet off. Dusty does a fourth and final show called Cell's Kitchen, where prisoners make food. Leroy makes toilet wine and Tuco makes a cupcake, filled with broken razor blades. Dusty chokes on this and passes out on the floor, with blood gushing out of his mouth. Tuco snatches the keys to the cell from him and sets the other prisoners free, while Hopson just sits around and watches while eating popcorn. Kevin and the D&D players play Dungeons and Dragons to prove that it's not Satanic and just then, Randall, Gina, Bullet, and Fitz bust in to stop them. Kevin ignores them and starts playing the game, which blasts out a bunch of Satanic dark magic, releasing Satan into the world, proving that it actually is Satanic, which comes as a surprise to even Preacher Paul, who secretly didn't believe in any of that bullshit before. Satan says that he's gunna challenge the greatest D&D player of all time to a game. The loser will be banished to Hell and the winner will get to destroy the world. Satan reveals that the alter-ego of "Waldack Whitestaff" to be Randall. Randall admits that he was once the greatest D&D player ever when he was a teenager. He says that he wasted his youth on being a nerd and this led to him getting bullied by everyone. Satan says that it's time to stop the backstory and battle. Satan and Randall play Dungeons and Dragons. After three nights of both Randall and Satan rolling perfect 20s, Neil starts to go crazy and says that it's time for the game to end. He says that a wraith appeared and cast life drain, which means that whoever rolls the lowest number immediately loses. Randall gets a hand cramp and requests Kevin to substitute for him. Satan says that if Kevin loses, he'll take Randall's place in Hell. Kevin rolls a 19, which pisses Randall off. Bullet opens the confessional door and shows everyone Chastity and the Jesus actor assfucking in there. This shocks everyone in the church and Satan gets distracted, causing him to roll a 1. Satan gets pissed off and he gets sent back to Hell. Everyone cheers for Kevin's victory, including Preacher Paul's Son. Preacher Paul gets mad at his son for being gay, much to the disapproval of his more kind and nurturing husband. After the event is finally over, Randall and Kevin play Dungeons and Dragons in Kevin's room. Randall says that he still didn't get the money and Kevin says that it's good that they're at least bonding as father and son. Just then, Gina busts in and beats the two shitless with her nerd knocker for being so nerdy. Characters Major Roles *Kevin Crawford *Randall Crawford *Bullet *Gina Jabowski *Dusty Marlowe *Gerald Fitzgerald *Stanley Hopson *Preacher Paul *Chastity *Eric *Satan Minor Roles *Agnes *Preacher Paul's Son *Zithole *Ted *Stranger Things Kids *Pat Robertson *Eric's Mother *Marvin *Tuco *Leroy *Quohand *Chuck *Neil *Karen Crawford (Voice Only; On Video) *Jesus Christ (Pictured) *Goliath the Giant (Pictured) *Witch of Endor (Pictured) Trivia *Bullet has his first human love interest in this episode, Chastity. *It's revealed that Bullet is an Atheist. *Gina becomes the new head of Human Resources, to keep Dusty from snitching on her. *Kevin has sex with a Watermelon with a hole in it. **Randall has a fetish for fucking honeydews. *Bullet uses an app called Poop on a Loop in the bathroom, to make it sound like he's in the bathroom, while he's really escaping to do something else. Cultural References *The title is a parody on Dungeons & Dragons. This game is also featured significantly in the plot. *The song "Jesus is the Greatest Lord of All" references to the gods of other religions including Buddha of Buddhism, Vishnu of Hinduism, Zeus of Greek Mythology, and Xenu of Scientology. *Zithole's shirt picture is similar to the Green Lantern symbol. His overshirt above it is also similar to the Hawaiian shirt, worn by Glenn Quagmire from Family Guy. *Zithole also wants Gina to dress as Princess Leah and whip him, the way Jabba the Hutt did to her in Star Wars. *Dusty's prison-themed game shows are parodies on real-life game shows. **Felony Feud = Family Feud **Prisoner Price is Right = The Price is Right **Shank Tank = Shark Tank **Cell's Kitchen = Hell's Kitchen *Bullet's alterations for the Bible using a copy machine, using glue and a precision knife to cut out letters and paste them on other copies of the Bible page, are a nod to the Better Call Saul episode "Fifi", where Saul Goodman tampers with legal documents over a bank's address by simply switching the last two digits to prevent the bank from subjugating his love interest Kim Wexler's law business. *A stuffed plush doll of a Squabbit from Brickleberry appears in the claw machine at Possum Pizza. *Gerald rounds up Dustin Henderson, Mike Wheeler, Will Byers, and Lucas Sinclair from Stranger Things, another original series that airs on Netflix. **Dustin quotes "Sufferin' Succotash", a catchphrase from the Looney Tunes character, Sylvester the Cat, playing on the fact that Dustin has a lisp that sounds similar to that of Sylvester's. *Preacher Paul is under the impression that Disney Junior.com is a porn website. *Chastity and Bullet watch The 700 Club. *Eric's Mom is the same woman, who appeared in the Brickleberry episode, "The Comeback", who was a faux medium, that swindled Steve out of his money. *During the montage of Kevin and the D&D players getting into costume, the iconic Luxo Ball that has appeared in many Pixar shorts, can be seen in the toy box. Category:Episodes